A Happy and Thankful Life

Good works

In what seems like a world away, I used to be a positive person. I used to focus on the good and what is right with the world. I now find it hard to see that girl through the grief and chaos that has been my world in the last few years.

But here is the catch…I wouldn’t trade any of that pain, grief and chaos for a life that didn’t include John. He brought a special kind of joy and love into my life. And I can’t fathom trading that joy, however brief, for something else. That is the rub. I would love to return to a world that doesn’t include grief and pain and includes John. But wishes and wants don’t change reality.

Instead, for the moment,  I’m forcing myself to focus on the positive.  I try to support organizations that have become very close to my heart: the cancer hospital where John was treated and had his transplant, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, Be the Match and Red Cross. I’ve slacked a bit in the last year but I’m forcing myself to get back into lending my support. As such, I officially picked my volunteer slots for a weekend long fundraiser. I volunteered the first two years of this event but couldn’t get myself together to volunteer last year. I’m signing up for the Be the One Run tomorrow – I’m walking…let’s be realistic here! Tomorrow I will also officially sign up for the Light the Night Walk.

I have written this before, but John wanted me to continue to support these organizations, regardless of what happened to him. I believe that he asked me to do this for two reasons – to provide others hope but also because he knew that it would be best for me – that the girl he fell in love with would need to do it to get back to who she once was. To make sense out of the bad, I must believe in the good. I wear a necklace that says “Hope” – I need to try to live it. There must be hope. I must believe that. Right?



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