A Happy and Thankful Life

One step closer

I’m thankful for those moments, however small, that show me that I’m a step closer to where I need to be. I’ve realized that I’ll never be the same person I was before. I’ve been through too much to return to who that girl used to be. Experiencing death and grief, and how people choose to treat each at such a difficult time, changes you. It changed me. It hurts to know that. But I have to remind myself that I can still be the best new me possible. I’m getting there, small step by small step. And I’m also thankful that I’m able, at last, to see that.


Good works

In what seems like a world away, I used to be a positive person. I used to focus on the good and what is right with the world. I now find it hard to see that girl through the grief and chaos that has been my world in the last few years.

But here is the catch…I wouldn’t trade any of that pain, grief and chaos for a life that didn’t include John. He brought a special kind of joy and love into my life. And I can’t fathom trading that joy, however brief, for something else. That is the rub. I would love to return to a world that doesn’t include grief and pain and includes John. But wishes and wants don’t change reality.

Instead, for the moment,  I’m forcing myself to focus on the positive.  I try to support organizations that have become very close to my heart: the cancer hospital where John was treated and had his transplant, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, Be the Match and Red Cross. I’ve slacked a bit in the last year but I’m forcing myself to get back into lending my support. As such, I officially picked my volunteer slots for a weekend long fundraiser. I volunteered the first two years of this event but couldn’t get myself together to volunteer last year. I’m signing up for the Be the One Run tomorrow – I’m walking…let’s be realistic here! Tomorrow I will also officially sign up for the Light the Night Walk.

I have written this before, but John wanted me to continue to support these organizations, regardless of what happened to him. I believe that he asked me to do this for two reasons – to provide others hope but also because he knew that it would be best for me – that the girl he fell in love with would need to do it to get back to who she once was. To make sense out of the bad, I must believe in the good. I wear a necklace that says “Hope” – I need to try to live it. There must be hope. I must believe that. Right?

End of vacation

I’ve been on vacation for the last week and a half. I return tomorrow. Yes, July 4th. But, I have a few things to work on and a quiet office will allow me to work on the reports and clear my email.

This vacation has been interesting as I wasn’t sure how I would be during the anniversary of the days that were some of the hardest last year. I’m still not ready to talk about last year or this year’s emotions too much right now. I’ll get to that at some point. Just not tonight.

Tomorrow I’m returning to work sunburned, covered in mosquitoes bites, and with a broken windshield and dents all over my car. But I’m also blessed to have a peaceful week and a half to remember, and spend quality time with one of best friends, my MIL and my family. There were 2 trips to amusement parks, 1 niece’s birthday, 2 cakes made, 1 tearful visit to Kobacker House, 1 statehouse tour, 4 nights camping, 1st trip to Put-in-Bay, 1 near encounter with a tornado, 1 cat happy to see me, and lots of laughter and a side of tears.

Didn’t realize at the time but it was exactly what I needed. I’m thankful for that. And I’m thankful for realizing that.