A Happy and Thankful Life

A year – letter to John

Last June 24th was a Friday. I was terrified that you would be alone and hated leaving you. I was encouraged to tell you my wishes….that you wouldn’t try to spare me or protect me by passing while we were away. We had been through so much together, as a team, that I didn’t want you to be alone. I wanted you to be in a loving and calm place – to be surrounded by people that loved you. Thank you for honoring my wishes. I hope I was able to honor your life and spirit in a way that you would approve.
Learning to live without you has been hard. Harder than there are words for. We have great friends and family that have been so supportive and have carried me through the hardest times. But they aren’t you. There is this massive John sized space in my heart and life that can’t be filled. I’m not sure why I post to your page…but I have these words that I need to share and I hope you know how much you are missed and loved. I would love to hear you yelling over PS3 at Larry one more time. To hear you debating some political or military subject with your dad. To see the love you had for your beautiful nieces and my silly nephews and niece. To hear your calming words and voice of reason when I am stressed. To watch another Yankees game with you. To see you play with the kitten you waited so long to get. To have one more hug and kiss and hear “to infinity and beyond plus one.”
I know I’m not the only thinking that it wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were going to be one of the 40%. My only hope is that what the hospital learned during your treatment, and afterwards,  has the potential to help future AML patients. Something good has to come from all this pain. You are missed. You are loved.


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