A Happy and Thankful Life



calender

As the year mark inches closer, I find myself more at a loss for words. Last Spring, we were celebrating John’s graduation and my birthday. We were more than a year out from his transplant and he was still in remission. We thought that he was inching, day by day, to his cure date. Not to something far more serious and grim.

All that is on my mind is that on the 21st, it will be a year from when we found out that he had relapsed. Then two months and 3 days later, he died. It’s been such a long year but the year mark has come so quickly. I’ve found that I can normally talk about John without crying now. However, in the last two weeks I had appointments with people that knew our story – but I haven’t seen for a year. I couldn’t explain what happened without crying and the rawness of my grief rushed back. I didn’t think it would be that hard. I know the memory of the dates will begin to fade at some point. But for now, the pain is too fresh and makes my heart ache.

For me, those milestones and dates have power over me. As humans, we mark our passage through life in different ways. I have my calendar. In the last few days, I’ve been looking through it and making notes for plans. It used to be that when I bought a new calendar, I would mark our anniversaries first – dating and wedding. Now, I avoid June and November. Light the Night and Pelotonia are now what go in first. I don’t think it will ever feel right. I want to go back to what it should be. Not what it is.

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